Yesterday was a great day!
Serving at church as online host. Helping coach and encourage a sweet girl from the youth group heading off to a singing competition this weekend. Hosting a fun Health and Hope Gathering, chatting away with and being encouraged by 2 absolutely precious ladies. My day started early and was long but when I sat on my sofa yesterday evening, to do list done and house picked up, my heart was so full of satisfaction and joy!
But then, as I picked up my phone to read a few missed texts and saw a message in the new family group thread - the one with my mom, my dad, my little sister...but no Ucka- I lost it. My heart sank. Some tears fell. And sorrow began to overwhelm my heart.
When beginning this journey of grief and loss it was the big moments of life I feared facing without her the most. The Christmas gatherings without her sitting there anxiously awaiting the look of joy on EVERY face as a new gift was opened. The camp cousins without her planning genius in the mix. The annual coming together for the Oklahoma Fine Arts event, working together with both of my sisters, an opportunity that I always cherished and enjoyed immensely!
What I didn't expect were the little moments. The text threads without her in them. The filling out of tax forms and reading on the spouse line "deceased" and realizing my brother in law is going to have to check that box this year- a task I can't even begin to imagine the weight of. The feelings of guilt while I'm doing simple daily tasks like helping Noah pick out his church clothes, knowing that I get to continue life with my kids and she does not. I know those big moments will be hard but these "little moments" come at you hard and fast and can overwhelm your heart faster than you could ever imagine. But can I just saw...GOD IS STILL GOOD. GOD IS STILL GOD. GOD IS STILL FAITHFUL.
Every single time my day ends with a heavy and sorrowful heart, the Lord wakes me up in the morning with a song in my heart. It's always a different song but it's always a song that reminds me, not of my circumstance, but of who my God is!
Today it was the simple lyrics "Hallelujah. Our God Reigns. Forever All My Days. Hallelujah." (God I look to you by Bethel Music). Last week it was "I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God." (Goodness of God by Bethel Music). And the week before that "Let this place erupt with praise. Why do you look for the living among the graves? Jesus lives, all the earth sing out. The power of death has been broken and this changes everything." (This Changes Everything by Jon Egan).
I never know from day to day or even moment to moment if my heart is going to feel oh so full or so incredibly heavy. But one thing I can always count on is the Lord supplying my every need and walking me through the good, the bad, and the ugly with more love, grace, and mercy than I could ever ask for and far more than I will ever deserve.
"All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good. With every breath that I am able I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God!" ♥️
Psalm 119:11a "For I have hidden Your word in my heart..."